Saint Paul Academy - Smurf Butts

Saint Paul Academy

October 6, 2012
Blake 1 SPA 3

Brief Overview: Greetings fellow humans, thanks for showing up on time and selecting earth as your planet of choice, we like to think you made the right decision. But enough funny business, on to what gets your blood pumping, your knees shaking, you teeth a chatterin.  Last Saturday we hopped on a bus destined for a city located at the edge of the earth, Saint Paul. After a 20 year journey we arrived in this mysterious land. The team was ready for battle and my pen was ready to do what it does best, review dem benches.

Color: My first impression of the bench was that it was more beautiful than the fair maiden, Coleman Dressen. I thought I was hallucinating, but a fellow bencher confirmed my initial assumption that, yes, the bench was indeed blue. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!" I thought to myself. The last time I was so excited was when I got to play 2 minutes against Breck because we were beating them 3-1.  One teammate described the color of the bench as "that thing that happens when you wake up in the morning and hop into the shower hoping to be fresh for the day ahead, but you're out of shampoo and way beyond mixing the last drops with water so you decided to run into your mom's bathroom and grab her shampoo only to realize what you grabbed was laundry detergent but it's too late because you already put it in your hair." Well, I completely disagree. I think the bench is more of a "baby blanket that Eli has had since he was two and still sleeps with and brings on family trips and vacations even though we tell him not to" type color. Pretty cool bench if you ask me. But, there was a major flaw that Christo picked out immediately.

If you look to your left you will see that some ignoramus decided to abuse the sanctity of the bench and at the same time slap America across the face by spray-painting graffiti along the back of the bench. We could't make out what it said but if I had to guess, it was probably somewhere along the lines of "I hate everyone who has ever (and will ever) sit on a bench especially Mako and his squad." What a jerk.  Bench receives a rating of 7/10, brought down by the incredibly insensitive and offensive graffiti.

Comfort: Whoooooweeeee, this bench was the most comfortable thing the ol' booty has every had the pleasure to sit on. Nothing beats a good back rest, and this bench had a back built for Zeus himself. It held my 6"13 stature like no other bench in the history of the world. As for the booty, it was as if I was sitting on a feather bed made for a king, never again will my butt be so happy. A perfect 10/10 on comfort. 

Scenery: Credit is due when credit is deserved. Saint Paul is pretty. Rolling hills, flowing streams, snowy mountains and a vast ocean to gaze upon. I was duly impressed. That being said, I spent most of my time waving at the fans who came out to support us. They are the only scenery I will ever need. It sure was nice having someone other than Hubbard cheer us on. It was also appreciated when they started a "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy" chant to try and get me some playing time. Because the fans were so great, an automatic 10/10 on scenery. 

#Hannah, #Kai, #Harry+Nicole, #JuliaShepard(CalytonRae)

Playing Time: Another "most dope" 80 minutes on the bench this game surrounded by loved ones, family and friends. I really missed Coleman though who was getting a booty implant surgery and had to miss the game. Despite the Rudy chant, I was not put into the game which was "A-OK" with me as I was snuggled up with Jaymin Chang and CC23. Christo started the game (this kid sure is betraying us on the bench) which brought down the rating and we lost which also brought down the rating. A sad 3/10 on playing time.

Cold Toes: This game was played in freezing -160 degrees fahrenheit weather. My toes were so cold and when I asked Alex "hunk a' man meat" Crane to rub them for me, he refused. How cruel. Since I wasn't playing there was no way for me to run around and get warm. But, during halftime my mom brought me and Chirsto some hot coco from the concessions stand which warmed up both our body and our soul. Thanks Sal. Nevertheless our feet were still freezing and that is why this category gets a 10/10. If you don't get it, too bad.           

CC23 and NMM miss Colemami

Final Thoughts: Overall, not a bad experience. We had some fans, a comfy bench and tender care provided by my mother. The bench receives a rating of 8/10. That's a B minus if you don't want to do the math. Well, make sure to thank your parents for loving you and always, always protect the booty. Until next time. - NMM

A Short Fireside Message from CC23: Bon-Jure (This is 'hello' in the language of the country of Saint Paul). I learn new things every day. Today, I learned that SPA's home stadium is an unsafe environment for three reasons:

1) Graffiti on the bench - Sure sign of bench gang violence in the area.

2) SPA Fans - Legend has it Colemami once head-butted an SPA fan in a sideline tussle. The fan broke all 24 ribs but after years of recovery is now revitalized and dangerous (looking for revenge).

3) Hot chocolate - A serious obesity concern for bench enthusiasts like me. The hot chocolate here was irresistible, and I think it may have had some addictive chemicals. I showed some withdrawal symptoms after the game, and I later returned for a Section 3 third-place JV fencing match to get my fix. I just need a little bit . . . just to get me normal.

This was a tough bench for me to blog about. After a long tenure in the game of soccer, this is my last regular season game. I'm crying, not because it's almost over, but because SPA fails to respect the safety of the playing-time-challenged community. So we have decided to start a campaign for President of the Country of Saint Paul, so that we can stop the injustice we see here. #VoteForMako

-CC23

Holy Family Catholic - Buttpocalypse

Holy Family Catholic
October 1, 2012
Blake 0 Holy Family 1

Brief Overview: Hello and welcome to another episode of Mako's Bench Blog. I'm glad to see you've lived another week and didn't perish in a freak bench accident like Coleman almost did. Kudos to you! Yesterday we hopped on our bus and drove for probably eight hours to Virginia, Minnesota where the team engaged in fierce competition and the bench crew engaged in a fierce critique of the scrap of dust they call a bench. Although I didn't spot anyone who had dark curly hair like me (jewish), the weather was premium and I was ready to get down to business.

Color: The bench was a beautiful silver color that shined like the face of a middle schooler. There weren't any disgusting stains like we've seen during games past and there weren't any serious flaws in it's overall appearance. A few members of the team described the benches color as "that thing that happens when you are doing a physics project with Christo and you need to stick two wires together but you don't know how to so Christo says he'll do it and then you watch him put that shiny stuff on the wire." Well I completely disagree, I think it's more of a "toy vacum cleaner that Eli has in his bedroom" color. Overall, prettiest darn bench we ever did see. An impressive 10/10

Comfort: This was by far the LEAST comfortable piece of junk my butt has ever sat on. It's blasphemous to even call it a bench. The back rest was at the weirdest obtuse angle possible, my 6"8' stature was not pleased seeing as the top of the back rest dug into my spinal cord. Also the space in-between the bench and the back rest was far to big causing Coleman's and my butt to get wedged in the bench if we weren't careful. You can see from the picture on your left that Cole's bodacious booty is incredibly displeased. A disappointing 3/10 on comfort.  

Scenery: We got to look onto a beautiful meadow full of flowers and deer. Not. The scenery was suburban houses that all look the same causing the bench crew to fall into a state of deep melancholy. But, on the bright side, during half time the dance team dubbed "The Holy Family Catholic Fire Inferno" performed the most spirited routine I have ever seen. Scrappy 6/10 on scenery only brought up by the Inferno.

Playing Time: The nickname held strong during this game,  I was once again No Minutes Mako after playing the last 3 minutes against Breck last Tuesday. Christo got to start which I think we can all agree is "most dope" for him. We missed him on the bench though and can't wait until Tim is healthy. 9/10 with a two point deduction because we missed Christo on the bench crew. 7/10. 

New Members to the Bench Crew: Legend has it that our newest member was actually born on a bench so it makes complete sense that he should end up sitting on one during soccer games. His hobbies include nature hikes with his dog Brickwick, snap-chatting and vacationing at his summer home in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He's never been to France and he loves to tango. The first words people utter when they hear his name are "tender lover." He is Alex Barthlomeo Crane and he receives a rating of 10/10.

Final Thoughts: Terrible bench, sad outcome, new bench member and the cake I got to eat after was "most dope" as it is sure to add cushion to the booty. The bench receives a final score of 5.5/10, pretty low if you ask me. Until next time.

NMM

Christo's Thoughts: CC23 here. A hugely disappointing game for me, mainly because I only logged about 5 bench minutes. If you're not sure, 5 minutes is not enough, especially for someone who's been so dedicated to the soccer sport we call "riding pine." As with the Blake bench, I saw some safety concerns here at Holy Family Catholic: wild animals in the surrounding forest. It's possible that I was hallucinating because of exhaustion, fear of abandonment from the bench crew, etc., but I saw a large raccoon-esque animal looking at me from the forest. He looked pretty mean and every time I looked at him, he was looking right back at me. All the anxiety thinking about rabies made me pretty sweaty, which only made the problem worse by leading the coaches to believe I was working hard on the field. I was not allowed to return to the safe arms of my teammates on the bench. To any Holy Family administration reading this blog - I highly recommend some sort of cage around the bench to protect players. Thanks.

On a less serious note, let's talk about the cake and warm-up mix that added to the bench atmosphere. Holy Family mothers make a mean cake and, judging from the selection of music, I think they probably made the warm-up mix as well. Dave Matthews Band made a few appearances, and at one point I think I fell in love with a special Fire Inferno Dance Team member as we locked eyes to the sounds of Frank Sinatra. This just wouldn't be possible at other venues, where I'd have to imagine our future together while being verbally violated by the likes of DMX, Eminem, or that new "Two Chains" guy. I give the bench a slightly higher ranking than Mako - Overall: 6.5/10.

Blake - From the Heart of CC23

Blake's Aamoth Stadium
Home Field

Home

Brief Overview: Christo reporting, AKA CC23.  Proud member of the bench and contributing writer to Mako's Bench Blog (MSHSL Bench Reviews). Today I'll be doing a little review of the bench at our humble abode, The Glenn Field and Aamoth Stadium. At our home stadium, we have had the good fortune of logging hundreds of bench minutes. We "play" here a lot, and honestly we need to upgrade our home bench facilities. As you will see, this bench is a safety liability with a great view and a fantastic color scheme.

Color (and General Aesthetics): Blake really got it right going with the raw stainless steel bench. We love the color here. We did not love that the end of this bench was somehow ripped off, probably pawned across the street at Pawn America. This is bad news Bears, and a lost bench cap is an automatic 1 point deduction for safety purposes. As Mako said, "I've come awfully close to cutting myself on this bench. My signature full-length slide to the water jug almost ripped my..." An injury of this severity would render Mako unable to sit on the bench, and for this reason, we have decided to award a 7/10 rating in the Color and Aesthetics category.

Comfort: This bench was a clear yes in terms of the base. The double-wide design was incredible for the booty, and Mako even commented that his solid 80 minutes of bench time left his butt without soreness - A rare feat for a bench rider like No Minutes Mako. We were not impressed, however, by the lack of back rest. How's a 6'5" man like Mako supposed to keep his posture without a back rest? Notice the disappointed facial expressions in our review picture, mostly due to back tightness. The double-wide design still helps maintain a 6/10 Comfort category rating for this bench.

Scenery: Wow! As you can see from above there isn't anything as beautiful as this view. This view has led some visiting teams to dub this field "Aamoth Country Club." We have never seen such a great landscape. As Mako would say, this field is "Most Dope." With the fall season approaching, we see a bright horizon for this scenery with the changing leaf color. In the Scenery Category, an incredible 10/10.

Overall: A solid 8.5/10 for the Blake Bears' Aamoth Stadium Bench mostly held back by the bench maintenance and no back rest. Mako was not happy, especially since in his 80 minutes of bench time, the fan base never yelled the likes of, "we like Mako!" or "Who's number 6, he's good!"

If you'd like to contribute to the Blake Bench Improvement Fund, please comment on this post or crumple up you donation and shove it in the uncapped end of our bench. We appreciate your support.

In the words of Osty-O:
"Good luck, and we'll see you next time."

-CC23

Trinity - Butts Across America Smile

Trinity Tri Hawks
September 22, 2012
Blake 3 Trinity 0

Mako's photography

Brief Overview: Today we headed out to who the heck knows where to play a little soccer (if you know what I mean) ;). The weather was chilly and the wind was a pain but the sun was shining so we endured. But now on to what you really care about, what anybody really cares about in life, the quality of the bench. 

Color: The bench was your standard silver metal, nothing too impressive. However, there were some major flaws that the bench had on the left side that brought its rating way down. 

As you can see, there is a weird red stain that takes over a good eighth of the bench. Some members of our team described the color as "what happens when you get a bloody nose in the middle of the night and the blood completely dries up and then when you wake up in the morning you have dry blood all over your face." Well, I concur. First impression of the bench, not very good. This category gets a 4 out 10.

 

Comfort: I would explain what our reaction was to the bench but you should be able to tell from the picture above seeing as a picture is worth 1000 words. Well, if your an idiot then you wouldn't be able to tell that we LOVED THIS BENCH!!!!!  You were able to let your back sink into the back support and let it absorb all of your worries. It was a little small for my 6"3' stature, but nothing too unbearable. The metal wasn't cold so nobodies balls were in harm of shrinkage. Overall great on the comfort level. 9 out of 10 

Playing Time: I didn't get any playing time this game, which was "most dope"seeing as I was loving the bench. However, one of the bench squad (Christo) got in and scored two dirty goals. For this reason Playing Time gets a 10 out of 10.

Friends Made: We made a friend this game in the form of the opposing team's mascot. We aren't sure if he was a kangaroo or some kind of polar bear. The one misfortune was that we didn't get his name so we can't friend him on Facebook. If anyone knows who he is, please let us know. 8 out of 10 in this category.

Overall: This Bench receives a final score of 9 out of 10. (The highest overall all grade yet)

Until Next Time,
NMM

Brooklyn Center - A Somewhat Happy Butt

Brooklyn Center Centaurs
September 20, 2012
Final Score: Blake 5 BC 1

Color: I've never been a big fan of long bus rides, so when I learned we would be driving all the way to Brooklyn Center I was a little upset. However, my heart beat in anticipation of making my first ever critique. The first thing I noticed about the bench was its color. Some might describe it as kind of a poop brown, but I would consider it more of a "pumpkin spice latte" color. Since it was such a chilly day, if I could have drank the color of the bench, I most definitely would have. Out of a possible 10 points, I give it an 8.5.

Comfort: The thing that I liked most about this bench was that unlike the usual metal bench we see in this day and age, the BC bench was made out of a soft plastic and had holes that I could stick my fingers through when I got bored. This feature was "most dope" and created a lasting impression with me. The bench had a back on it which we always love to see, and as a plus the back of the bench was raised up to accommodate my 6"1' stature. As far as comfort goes, the bench gets 9 out 10.

Scenery: I must admit, the view from the bench was sub-par. The field was in decent condition, but there wasn't anything pretty to look at whilst on the bench. The street that lay just beyond the field was a constant source of distraction. Because of these reasons, the scenery receives a 5 out of 10.

Play Time: In this game my nickname changed for a brief period of time from "No Minutes Mako" to "11 Minutes Mako" seeing as I got to play the last 11 minutes of the game. This was a good experience  even though it pained me to leave the bench. Because the only goal was scored while I was on the field, my playtime ratting decreased significantly. We end up with a 4 out 10 in this category.

Overall: Not the worst, not the best. A pretty good time for my first review. This Bench (all categories together) receives a final score of 7 out of 10.

Until next game
- NMM