Holy Family Catholic - Buttpocalypse

Holy Family Catholic
October 1, 2012
Blake 0 Holy Family 1

Brief Overview: Hello and welcome to another episode of Mako's Bench Blog. I'm glad to see you've lived another week and didn't perish in a freak bench accident like Coleman almost did. Kudos to you! Yesterday we hopped on our bus and drove for probably eight hours to Virginia, Minnesota where the team engaged in fierce competition and the bench crew engaged in a fierce critique of the scrap of dust they call a bench. Although I didn't spot anyone who had dark curly hair like me (jewish), the weather was premium and I was ready to get down to business.

Color: The bench was a beautiful silver color that shined like the face of a middle schooler. There weren't any disgusting stains like we've seen during games past and there weren't any serious flaws in it's overall appearance. A few members of the team described the benches color as "that thing that happens when you are doing a physics project with Christo and you need to stick two wires together but you don't know how to so Christo says he'll do it and then you watch him put that shiny stuff on the wire." Well I completely disagree, I think it's more of a "toy vacum cleaner that Eli has in his bedroom" color. Overall, prettiest darn bench we ever did see. An impressive 10/10

Comfort: This was by far the LEAST comfortable piece of junk my butt has ever sat on. It's blasphemous to even call it a bench. The back rest was at the weirdest obtuse angle possible, my 6"8' stature was not pleased seeing as the top of the back rest dug into my spinal cord. Also the space in-between the bench and the back rest was far to big causing Coleman's and my butt to get wedged in the bench if we weren't careful. You can see from the picture on your left that Cole's bodacious booty is incredibly displeased. A disappointing 3/10 on comfort.  

Scenery: We got to look onto a beautiful meadow full of flowers and deer. Not. The scenery was suburban houses that all look the same causing the bench crew to fall into a state of deep melancholy. But, on the bright side, during half time the dance team dubbed "The Holy Family Catholic Fire Inferno" performed the most spirited routine I have ever seen. Scrappy 6/10 on scenery only brought up by the Inferno.

Playing Time: The nickname held strong during this game,  I was once again No Minutes Mako after playing the last 3 minutes against Breck last Tuesday. Christo got to start which I think we can all agree is "most dope" for him. We missed him on the bench though and can't wait until Tim is healthy. 9/10 with a two point deduction because we missed Christo on the bench crew. 7/10. 

New Members to the Bench Crew: Legend has it that our newest member was actually born on a bench so it makes complete sense that he should end up sitting on one during soccer games. His hobbies include nature hikes with his dog Brickwick, snap-chatting and vacationing at his summer home in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He's never been to France and he loves to tango. The first words people utter when they hear his name are "tender lover." He is Alex Barthlomeo Crane and he receives a rating of 10/10.

Final Thoughts: Terrible bench, sad outcome, new bench member and the cake I got to eat after was "most dope" as it is sure to add cushion to the booty. The bench receives a final score of 5.5/10, pretty low if you ask me. Until next time.

NMM

Christo's Thoughts: CC23 here. A hugely disappointing game for me, mainly because I only logged about 5 bench minutes. If you're not sure, 5 minutes is not enough, especially for someone who's been so dedicated to the soccer sport we call "riding pine." As with the Blake bench, I saw some safety concerns here at Holy Family Catholic: wild animals in the surrounding forest. It's possible that I was hallucinating because of exhaustion, fear of abandonment from the bench crew, etc., but I saw a large raccoon-esque animal looking at me from the forest. He looked pretty mean and every time I looked at him, he was looking right back at me. All the anxiety thinking about rabies made me pretty sweaty, which only made the problem worse by leading the coaches to believe I was working hard on the field. I was not allowed to return to the safe arms of my teammates on the bench. To any Holy Family administration reading this blog - I highly recommend some sort of cage around the bench to protect players. Thanks.

On a less serious note, let's talk about the cake and warm-up mix that added to the bench atmosphere. Holy Family mothers make a mean cake and, judging from the selection of music, I think they probably made the warm-up mix as well. Dave Matthews Band made a few appearances, and at one point I think I fell in love with a special Fire Inferno Dance Team member as we locked eyes to the sounds of Frank Sinatra. This just wouldn't be possible at other venues, where I'd have to imagine our future together while being verbally violated by the likes of DMX, Eminem, or that new "Two Chains" guy. I give the bench a slightly higher ranking than Mako - Overall: 6.5/10.